Everything you think you know about vampires, forget it. All of it. Well except for a few things, perhaps. Holy crosses, running water, garlic, or whatever, you can throw that business out the window. The truth is, vampires are real and they definitely are not what you think they are. There is one thing you have going for you. You can go out into the sun. Vampires fear the sunlight. I mean, they totally fear it. If they go out in the sunlight, they’ll burn up into fireballs. I’m not sure of the mechanism or how it happens, but suffices it to say if you lure a vampire into the sun he’s going to burn. Rumor has it some of the older vampires can stand it, but I think that’s just a rumor vampires spread to strike fear into us.
I also want to say this. Vampires are dead. That means they are dead. D-E-A-D dead. They don’t have a heartbeat, they feel cold as hell, and they aren’t exactly the party types. They don’t drink, they don’t eat (can you imagine? ugh), and they certainly do NOT, I repeat, do NOT procreate. That means no vampire babies and definitely no half vampires. You’re either a vampire or you’re not. You’re dead or you’re not dead. Pretty simple right? So put your misconceptions away about vampire romance, because it isn’t going to happen.
Now I’m not privileged to know exactly how they create more vampires, but I do know that it involves magic of some kind. No one really knows how vampirism started. It’s a question even the oldest of vampires have. (Or so I hear) Everyone has a need to know their origins, even vampires, even if they’re not human. I think it’s probably more of a curse than a magical thing, but I have no idea, only theories. It’s just a guess I have from my experience hunting them down. You can’t become a vampire just by being bitten by one. That’s something I know from experience. As far as I know, they don’t drain your blood and leave you on the cusp of death and feed you back their own blood either. So your guess is as good as mine on how they’re created. I only know how they’re not made.
Just because vampires are dead, don’t think they don’t have intelligence. They’re definitely not zombies. Zombies are another story. Anyways, vampires retain their smarts. They’re just the same as when they were alive, except they’re dead. Some things are enhanced, however. They do possess a sort of superhuman strength. I’ve seen a colleague get tossed across a big room with relative ease by a vampire once. Pretty scary stuff. I just want to point out that all physical attributes are increased. They’re faster, stronger, and they can endure quite a bit. I’ve also heard of vampires who could actually mesmerize people. But I think this is from experience and something they had before they turned. If you were a psychic as a human, when you turn, your psychic ability would be on steroids and become powerful. Imagine the possibilities! It’s kinda scary actually.
Now I know what you’re thinking. If a vampire doesn’t have all these weaknesses like garlic, silver and such, how do you kill them? Believe me, it’s not easy. It’s not exactly a booming career choice, being a vampire hunter. Most of us don’t live past a few months to be honest. I’m actually surprised that I’ve survived as long as I have. It’s been 20 years since I started hunting. I have to admit there are only a handful of us left. It’s kinda sad actually. Sometimes I really miss some of those guys from the old days. We had some fun.
But I digress.
Vampire hunting just requires a lot of planning. You have to know what you’re going up against. Staking a vampire isn’t going to kill him. It’s actually not rocket science. There are no special rituals or hokey pokey thing you have to do in order for a vampire to die. They’re somewhat like us human folk. Personally, I prefer decapitation. It’s kinda tough to recover from that. When your head is separated from the body, unless you’re a golem or something you’re pretty much finished. But if cutting off heads isn’t for you, normally just doing enough damage to the body is going to finish them off. A few bullets might not be enough to stop a vampire, but I’m pretty sure if you shot one up full of them with a machine gun they’ll go away. It’s a waste of ammo though. A good machete is great for vampire hunting. Just saying.
Vampires do crave blood. It’s not exactly for what you think. There’s no hunger or anything like that. They don’t exactly need it to “live”. They certainly don’t get warmer when they drink blood, that’s for sure. They need it to heal themselves, essentially. It again has something to do with the magic. Remember, a vampire is dead. That means the normal means of healing don’t happen. I mean, they don’t have a heart that beats, right? How can they possibly heal themselves? When they drink blood, the magic/curse is empowered and uses up the blood and heals their wounds. Make sense?
Vampire society is pretty straightforward. They set themselves up in covens similar to witches, and there’s usually a coven for every large city. For smaller towns and communities, a coven could be one master vampire (usually the oldest) to maybe one to three younger/weaker vampires. In the big cities, I’ve seen covens as large as hundreds. It really depends on the community and the population. Normally, I don’t mess with covens. They usually have their own laws that prevent unnecessary killing of humans. Though personally I can’t think of a time when it would be necessary. I mean, really, right?
Anyways, vampires don’t normally go out and kill people and drain their blood, leaving them for dead. I don’t even know what they do. Why do they even exist? I have no idea. My job is to take care of them if they cross that line. I scan the papers for mysterious deaths, and investigate. If there’s a coven going out of control, I’m there. That’s my job. Of course, vampires don’t see it that way. Funny how things work.
What other myths can I squash? Oh, vampires don’t turn into bats or wolves or any other thing. They’re not shape changers, like therians (short for therianthropes). I’m pretty sure we have enough things out there that can change their shape. We don’t need vampires doing it too. Oh and vampires don’t sleep. Not really. I mean they’re dead. Last I checked sleeping wasn’t necessary for dead people. So they don’t have coffins, and they don’t sleep during the day, and no, the daytime isn’t necessarily the best time to hunt them.
The biggest thing about vampires is this: they look just like us. They can be your neighbor, your mailman, your coworker, anyone. They look and act like us, except for a few subtle things. If you looked at a vampire enough, you’ll notice they don’t breathe. I mean they are so still sometimes you’d think they were dead. See what I mean? Also, they might avoid touching you or anyone. Normally their skin is going to be cold, or perhaps not so cold. They’re gonna be the temperature of the environment. This could be why there are so many vampires in warmer climates. So they blend in better. But think about it. Anyone can be a vampire.